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Communicating Your Wishes
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BY SOUTHERN CAREGIVER RESOURCE CENTER
Family members who provide care find it more satisfying if everyday care matches the values and preferences of the one receiving care. Sadly, family caregivers —especially adult sons or daughters— sometimes do not know as much as they would like about their parents’ wishes for daily and nursing home care. Recent research confirms that ongoing, meaningful communication about daily care choices and preferences is quite possible. Dementing illnesses need not keep a person from expressing life-long values and wishes for care now and in the future. Even if serious memory problems affect work and home life, or lead to changes in behavior and mood, one still can participate in care decisions. Until there is a need, few of us consider how we feel about care issues or life choices such as stopping driving or no longer cooking. Starting a discussion about this subject may be hard, but most people respond positively to a conversation that involves planning for the future. |
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Here are some tips that may help your family |
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1. Start talking about preferences for everyday care and handling daily activities, such as finances and living arrangements, before problems arise or a crisis occurs. The sooner you discuss such questions, the better prepared you will be to make difficult decisions later on. |
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2. Choose a time when you all are relaxed. Try to focus on understanding what each of you needs and prefers, recognizing strengths but not making assumptions. |
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3. Don’t be surprised or discouraged if you get resistance the first time you bring up this topic. That is normal. Try again at another time. |
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4. Don’t assume that the illness prevents making many personal decisions. A person with dementia may be able to make some decisions and not others. Also, it may be easier to express decisions at one time of day than another. Keep trying at different times. |
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5. Recognize your loved ones’ rights to make their own life choices even if you do not agree with them. If health or safety is at immediate risk, or you need help in talking about these issues in a family meeting, do get a skilled professional to assist you in reaching agreement. |
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Finally, by all means express your preferences when your family explores care possibilities. For example, it may be more important for you to consider who provides a service rather than the cost of the service. For your family, it may be more important to consider what is included in the service and what it will require of them or of you. In either case, make your wishes and preferences known! In the long run, a clear understanding of what is most important to you will help you and your family now and in the future. |
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