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MY RECOVERY CONTINUED....
...... We began an assessment of my support resources in recovery. I am fortunate enough to have a ferociously compassionate and loyal group of friends and family who have stood by me and loved me dearly despite my illness, despite my increasingly erratic and destructive behavior, despite my addictive selfishness. She brought them into the process. We sat together and structured a relapse prevention plan - an actual long and thorough checklist of things to do, places to go, people to call or run to if I feel in danger of taking a drink or a drug. We joked that if I make it all the way through the list and I still  felt compelled to drink, then perhaps it would be fate. I haven't yet felt the need to resort to my checklist. I hope I never do. But I have it. It's long. It contains a huge number of people who I think would drop just about anything to come shepherd me through my time of trial if I felt like relapsing. I'm certain I could never make it through that checklist and still be in danger of taking a drink or drug.
......There came a time after I'd been sober for many months when the acute depression returned. I'd been attending most of my groups, my therapy sessions - I'd been engaging the COD Program heavily, making a tremendous amount of progress, and my bleak outlook from my drinking days had been replaced with a cautious optimism. I didn't feel “happy” per se, but I was content; I felt as if my life had become more manageable.
..... I didn't want to die anymore - I wanted to live, and I certainly didn't want to drink. But unexpectedly, I felt the optimism slipping away, and then I fell into an all-too-familiar trough of deep misery. It was terrible. I couldn't get out of bed. I began to slip from my program of healthy activities. I missed groups, classes, meetings, even sessions with my care coordinator, which were usually the high point of my week. It so happened to coincide with the time span wherein we periodically evaluated and updated my recovery plan. I felt as if I were falling off, slipping back into unnerving despair, isolation, and paralyzing dread. The confidence I'd begun to rebuild in myself, in my rejuvenated character, crumbled away in a precipitous instant. I felt overwhelmed and drowning. The smallest activities or tasks took on an insurmountable quality of their, with catastrophic consequences of failure. I felt immobilized, as if there were nothing I could do to combat this enormous burden that had collapsed upon me again. But I managed to pull myself together sufficiently to get to our meeting and plead with my care coordinator for more help. She delivered.
...... She gave me the opportunity to interview with the entire clinical team at the program, including two of the founding doctors, a number of psychiatrists in residence, the entire team of care coordinators, and other psychologists. I went into the meeting with a completely open mind, ready to answer their questions with the most thorough and acute honesty I possessed. I abandoned all predetermined self-diagnosis and refused to mimic any symptoms. It felt amazing to be that directly engaged, not only with my own counselor, but also with an entire room of trained psychiatric and psychology professionals.
.....I had mentioned to my care coordinator prior to the meeting, that I was willing to take any suggestions or help they could give me, even if it meant taking medication for my mental illness, a move I had resisted throughout my sobriety. Apparently, after a period of discussion & analysis, they arrived at a consensus in that room: instead of the depression diagnosis from my the brief mental illness forays I'd made before sobriety, they recognized my symptoms as Bipolar II (hypo- “small” manias instead of hypermanias). It was as if the sun suddenly burst from behind a cloud: it all made sense. I understood the cyclical nature of my depression, instead of finding it inexplicable; I now realized how I could go through periods of relative contentment. The interview process had helped me trace back even through my drinking days the cyclical nature of the mental and emotional phases through which I passed. It is widely known that prolonged alcohol abuse particularly aggravates bipolar symptoms. The intersection of the two provokes a quintessential recipe for disaster.
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...MHSA PROP 63
....MY RECOVERY